The rambles of my anxiety. #1

I have been meaning to start doing some posts on my Anxiety recently, as I have been suffering pretty bad with mine and at the time, I really want to write some posts on what it’s all about and why it is happening to me. My problem is just that my brain does not like to shut off, most of the time. People might not think that I have Anxiety, as they can’t physically see it. People always see me as a very, very happy, bouncy and excitable person – yes, I am. But when I am feeling anxious, people can’t see that my brain is going crazy inside and I just cannot stop, it’s like putting on a brave face.
Although I say ‘putting on a brave face’, I think I just try to carry on with whatever I am doing and hope that it will pass, it is very rare that this will happen but I try my best. I will try to take some products from the Rescue Remedy range and hope that I will calm down.

The smallest of things can get my brain ticking, and when I say ticking I probably mean sprinting, erupting or maybe even imploding..
Little things like walking around town and there’s too many people everywhere, getting in the way and causing you to stop. That will start to stress me out, and then my brain won’t stop for the majority of the day.
Although, some days I can cope with it fine and it won’t affect me.

Some other things are like noises that people make, not having my own quiet personal space and not being able to do what I want to.

Even I am the one that does it to myself a lot. I will want to do several things all at once in the evening, but simply do not have the time for all. So I have to eliminate them, but then my brain is telling me ‘I wish I did this. I wish I did that now. I wish I could do this and this at the same time’.
On another aspect, my brain will love to remind me of things that I have done. I will overthink the way I have done something, acted or spoken and it will really kick into me. I have been like this since I was around 16 years old, I will look into how other people see me way too much and end up upsetting myself. Am I too dorky and goofy? Do I come across as horrible? Am I too happy that I irritate people? Do I talk way too much?

People will comment on these things like ‘You’re crazy’ ‘You don’t stop talking, do you?’ or other things like ‘You are so happy, it’s annoying’. I know that they don’t mean to upset me by saying things like this, but the smallest of comments like that will really eat away at me for hours and hours, and they will come back every now and then. I won’t be able to stop these thoughts and I will end up upsetting myself and try to change how I am.

The bigger things that will really get to me are situations. For example, I will experience a situation where I think that I have been treated unfairly or other people have. That will make my brain erupt for hours on end, although we have resolved the situation. My brain will keep ticking and having an argument in the past over and over. It will be telling me stuff like ‘You say to them, you are not going to be treated like that and that they were in the wrong and you weren’t.’ and ‘You need to stand up for yourself and take action on this, because it will carry on’ and even ‘You wouldn’t treat somebody like that, so don’t let them do the same to you’.

I will even think back to moments from the past, even back when I was around 13 and I will thinkĀ ‘Why did I do that? Why did I act like that? I was so stupid.’
It has gotten to the point, that I have randomly ended up apologising to people out of the blue. Or, I have apologised to people and they never realised that I acted like that in the first place! I get a sense of relief when I hear this and after I have apologised, I am mainly doing it for myself but also to the other person although they never seemed too bothered. Maybe I didn’t come across like that? Maybe I never did any of that? But it is my brain telling me this and overthinking things.

So I am going to stop rambling now and take a breather, as I just had to get this post out there and maybe some people will feel the same way and can relate to any of this? I would love to hear about others situations.
My anxiety was at a high this morning and I got so worked up and angry, that it started to make me a little upset, so that’s when I turned to writing this post and I do actually feel a lot calmer after doing this!
The down side is when you come back to reality and you look at yourself and think ‘What was all the big fuss about? You were just blowing stuff out of proportion.’ and I use to believe this was just myself doing it before and I hated it, until I was told by my doctor that I had pretty strong anxiety.

But I have now gotten myself some advice and am on a waiting list to get some help on how to control my anxiety, so it’s just the start of my journey now.
I would love to hear about your dealings with anxiety and how you all combat this, it would be great information for me to try out.
Expect more posts about stuff like this and some updates, maybe even encounter some rants that I will probably end up taking down.
For now, I am going to leave this there. I know it was a long post, but I hope that somebody, at least one person can relate to this and I will be satisfied.

Goodbye for now.
xx

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